The Rainbow Connection

Started (not published) September 2015

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."  Sometimes life gets busy. Sometimes I don't have time to stop and think or reflect. I need down time every once and a while.  September of 2015 provided quite a bit of "me" time. We vacationed in Disney World. This was our second trip to Disney. This time, we went with friends. This gave the grown ups a chance to get out and let off some steam in a kid-free environment. My friend Jess and I decided to spend our evening sans kids at Jelly Rolls Dueling Piano Bar on the Boardwalk. We bought our drinks and sat in the crowd enjoying one sing-a-long song after another. We were impressed by the 4-part harmonies performed by the gentlemen on-stage. Then, I heard a familiar melody repeating over and over. One man played the piano while the other sat on top of the piano with his legs crossed. After a quip referencing Julie Andrews, the two men dove into Rainbow Connection. For once in my life, I was quick with the iPhone and started recording the worst-looking video you'll ever see. The melody was all I needed. The one gentleman did his best Kermit the Frog impersonation. He even imitated the Muppet hand with a prop. I admit I got a little choked up during this performance. If he only knew. The frog encounters did not stop with Kermit. That same night, I made a trip to the bathroom at about 3:00 a.m. I looked down at the bathmat, without my glasses on and poked at what I thought might be a bug. The creature hopped and although I couldn't see too clearly, I knew it was a tiny baby frog. I scooped it up and released into the hallway. I hope the little guy made it. I didn't think much of it. A few nights later. I was packing up, getting ready for our trip home. I stepped out onto our balcony to enjoy the view one last time and almost put my hand on a rather large frog perched on our balcony railing. This frog was not easily spooked. He stayed while Dean and I examined him. I took pictures. Dean made noises in an attempt to get him hopping. He made one short leap to a different part of the balcony, but remained there quite happy with the spot he'd chosen. Once again, I thought it was cool, but didn't think much of it. So the next day, as we were waiting to board our plane, I told Jess about the the frog on the balcony and the little one in the bathroom and she looks at me and says... "That's a lot of frog references in one week." Now that I think about it. It was a lot of frog references for just 3 days.

Those of you who know me well or have read my blog in the past are familiar with my family's affinity for butterflies. We cherish our butterfly moments as signs from Andrea. Those closest to Andrea know how much she loved the Muppets and Kermit the Frog. She had a Kermit the Frog phone. She and I both have a collection of frogs. I have several garden frogs in my yard and flowers beds. Frogs use my backyard pond at a home every spring. When Andrea was pregnant, she decided not to find out the gender of her baby, so most of the items on her registry were neutral in color and many of the the items were decorated with frogs. The song Rainbow Connection played a prominent part in Andrea's funeral. Andrea's good friend Estelle volunteered to make a video for Andrea to pay tribute to her. We spoke on the phone a few days before the funeral and we talked about songs. Almost simultaneously, we said" Rainbow Connection." It was too perfect. So you can see why that song provokes tears every time I hear it.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I'm not sure where I'm going with this...

August 24, 2019

I had forgotten that I wrote this blog. I signed on to start creating a new blog post when I stumbled upon this draft. So, I spent some time proofreading and editing this and stepped away for a bit. Later in the evening on August 24, I was channel surfing when I found "The Muppets" on Starz. That movie was released on my birthday in 2011. I tuned in just minutes before Rainbow Connection. I don't look for signs anymore. Maybe I'm too logical, too practical. But, the timing and coincidences still send chills down my spine. Saturday, August 24 was no exception. The signs are few and far between these days, but it's nice to catch them from time to time. Andrea, if this came from you, thank you for the coincidences. Happy birthday!

"I Know What You're Thinking..."

Not long after Andrea died I had  profound dream. In the dream, I was at Andrea's house, but Andrea had already passed. I was babysitting Alexa. My husband Bryon came with me, but he ran out to do some errands. Alexa was sitting on the floor, playing with her toys and watching TV.  I look up and see Andrea coming down the steps. She sits next to me on the couch, her hair is long and damp. She looks like she'd taken a shower. Andrea looks at me and says with confidence and conviction... "I know what you're thinking, but I did this to myself."  I woke up grasping to the images of the dream, trying desperately to hold onto every detail. I thought... "there must be more. She must have said more." I tried very hard not to fill in the holes, just remember the dream as is.

I spent the next few days analyzing the dream. What was she trying to tell me? I had a deep discussion with my sister about 3 weeks before she passed. She had some regrets in her approach to cancer treatment. She wished she had gone the holistic route sooner. She wished she believed her surgeon when he told her he cured her when he removed her pancreas. She felt her anger was poison. I thought this dream was related to that conversation. It could be.

I happened to tell a good friend of mine about the dream. This friend keeps a dream journal and has a dream dictionary. This particular friend is very spiritual, not religious (there is a difference). I asked her what she thought of the dream. She took time to think about it and reached out to me by email. She told me that people who believe in reincarnation believe that we choose our lives before we are born. In each life, we learn things. We choose to live long, live easy, live fast, live reckless, face challenges. I don't expect all of you to believe in this, but just hang with me for a moment. If this is true, Andrea chose this life for herself. She chose the highs and the lows, the good and the bad. I suddenly felt like GRU from Despicable Me... "lightbulb!" Since my friend shared this insight with me, I've felt 100% confident that this is what Andrea meant in my dream. She did choose this life. She always thought she'd die young. From the time she was very small, she was full of life, as well as spit and vinegar. She wasn't happy unless she was doing 10 things at once. And she did all of those things well. This concept brought me peace... for a little while.

A few months later, I found myself at a bereavement center. I decided to see a therapist to talk about my grief and loss of my sister. I was very skeptical before we started sessions, but I loved it. I could unload on him and not feel like I was a burden. I was feeling like a burden to my friends and that was part of my problem. My therapist asked direct, tough questions. I liked that. One day, he asked me if I was angry with God. My answer, absolutely not! I know it's a natural response when dealing with death, but I never felt that way. Like Andrea said... "I did this to myself."

So, today, I was deep in thought when Andrea's best friend called. It was such a nice surprise. We both have experienced a great deal of loss in our lives. And now, 3 years have passed since Andrea died. I know this may sound strange, but although I can't talk to Andrea, or visit, or email or IM... she's always here. She's always with us. It feels like she's moved to a beautiful, remote island with all our loved ones who have passed. There are no phones, no computers and no transportation off the island. If she wants to reach out to us, she sends us butterflies and flowers that grow in her lush garden. She's still here. I do miss her voice, her laugh, her company... but I know she's still here.

And if you don't believe in such things, let's look at it from a logical, somewhat scientific perspective.  A math-loving friend of mine once said to me... "I read Albert Einstein's biography and if he believes that an entity greater than ourselves created our world, I believe it." And another childhood friend who provided the most comforting thought in the wake of Andrea's passing... "Energy never dies, it just changes form."

I hope today's entry provides comfort on this sad anniversary.

In Andrea's Words

As we approach the anniversary of Andrea's passing, I have been thinking about my sister quite a bit. I know, understandable. As I was getting ready for bed tonight I realized, 3 years ago today was my last day with Andrea.  That was the topic of my last blog entry... that was 1 year ago. The majority of my entries on this blog have been from my perspective and I thought about writing an entry on her anniversary. Instead, I want to share Andrea's words. I haven't heard Andrea's voice in almost 3 years. But, rather than share her voice, I want to share her words. Andrea used the Caring Bridge website to share her health updates with her family and friends. Her husband Chris shared her last entry with us while Andrea was in hospice. So here are Andrea's words, the words she intended to publish 3 years ago today (Well, now it's after midnight so yesterday).

Hello,

I realize that it has been quite some time since I have provided an update.  So, I am making an attempt to offer some type of information.  I ask that you bear with me as it is extremely hard for me to focus, stay awake when I type literally anything, and just make sense.  FYI – book: “Crazy, Random Thoughts of Andrea Corey”.  Of course, I would be taking a bit of a twist from the old Saturday Night Live segment: “Deep Thoughts” by Jack Handy. Of course, my book would be based on the crazy things I have said while on a serious amount of pain meds. It would be interesting and quite funny.

Onto other topics, my birthday was wonderful.  Just being home from the hospital was a gift.  Ultimately, spending time with my family and friends was just the best gift. Chris busted his hump to provide me a very nice birthday celebration. And it was just that. 

Coming home has certainly presented many challenges.  We started with Chris carrying me up and 

down the steps and in and out of the shower.  Let’s just say that didn’t last long after Chris’ back could no longer handle it. My physical therapist also felt it was very dangerous.  Since Chris’s back was no longer, I resorted to scooting up the stairs and along the floor on my butt.  That didn’t last very long either.  The carpet padding in our bedroom mine as well be non-existent. It is like sitting on straight plywood – FUN!  My arms and butt hurt so terribly that I had no idea how I was going to make it through another day scooting around. Needless to say, we had to make some changes.  We have now become close to being a medical supply company.  In addition to my wheelchair, walker and lovely commode, we now have a very large shower bench, a beautiful ramp with platform, a stair chair/lift, and a little cart that I use to scoot around our upstairs. I guess the cart, a gardening cart mind you, doesn’t fall into medical cart. It has been a life-saver for me.

As for how I am doing physically, the feet issue is definitely getting better.  I still spend most of my time sitting. However, that does not mean I am “sitting around”. Every day is an adventure and completely unpredictable.  While I will walk with a walker just around the house with the assistance of at least one other person, my mode of movement is a wheelchair.  Because my feet and legs were elevated for so long, anytime my legs are down they swell terribly. Until I am using my legs more regularly, I desperately need to keep my legs up.  Which is also tough, because I am need to try get up and walk at least once a day (ha ha)...

Andrea, you are missed... everyday.

Do You Believe In Miracles? 10/7/12

Thursday, September 23, 2010 was the last day I spent with my sister. I remember the events of that day vividly and recorded them in a journal. I want to give you a little background before I share my day with Andrea.

In July of 2010, Andrea's pain started. In an earlier blog entry, I mentioned that during this period Andrea asked for help for the first time in her life. Her cries for help fell on deaf ears, most likely because she always gave the impression that through it all, she was strong. Through the worst of times, she would triumph. The reality was... her body was failing her. In late July, Andrea called me. She was crying. She said, "I've asked for help and no one hears me! Do I have to be on my death bed for people to realize I need help?!?" I stopped short of giving her advice and said, "Let me take care of this." She agreed and I told her I'd call her back. I reached out to Andrea's two closest friends and told them her situation. Her friend Cori was aware of Andrea's state and she and I agreed we needed to do something. I soon heard from Andrea's friend Linda as well. Together we devised a plan to help Andrea... a care network of friends. We sent an email to all of her closest friends and asked for their time. The email included dates and a blank space to sign up and volunteer for a day or daypart with Andrea. Everyone pitched in!! I was so impressed with their response. Everyone wanted to help. As Andrea would often say to me... "Don't I have great friends?"

We continued this network while Andrea was in and out of the hospital. The hardest part for me was the little time I had to volunteer. My work schedule and young boys made it difficult to get there. Andrea couldn't handle extra children in the house while she was trying to get better. Until the end, she truly believed she would get better. In September, my work schedule changed, which meant my days off changed. Thursdays always seemed like the hardest days to fill. So, on my first Thursday off I put my name in the slot for September 23. I remember talking to Andrea on the phone earlier in the week. She said... "I can't wait til Thursday!! We'll get to hang out!"

I wish we could've spent that day like we always did. I wish we had the opportunity to just hang out. I thought about retyping it, but I decided to leave my notes as is, because this is exactly how I remember my last day with Andrea. Here is how we spent our Thursday:

·         I'm stuck in traffic and get there late.

·         Andrea is still in bed.

·         I get there at 9:00.

·         Alexa is at school.

·         Andrea wants to shower. It's her shower day.

·         She's too tired.

·         I give her a moment to herself and wait outside her bedroom door. I over hear her say..."Why is this happening to me?” I try to hold back the tears.

·         She can’t believe how much I had to help her. She was doing all these things herself 2 weeks prior.

·         I got her on her garden cart she used to wheel herself around the house.

·         I moved her to her chair lift with a bear hug.

·         It took about an hour to get her downstairs.

·         I help her to the recliner with the wheelchair and get her situated and comfortable.

·         Andrea gives me smiles with every minor physical accomplishment.

·         I make her eggs. She falls asleep.

·         I eat her eggs

·         The nurse arrives before I can make her food again.

·         Andrea looks thin, uneven weight, carrying a lot in the lower half of her body

·         The nurse notices how much Andrea has changed in the last week. I see it in her eyes.

·         I ask the nurse what she thinks maybe causing Andrea’s sores.

·         She says so sympathetically that she believes it to be “the progression of her illness.” Andrea cries for a moment, wipes her eyes and says “I don’t think that’s what it is.”

·         Andrea repeats this to me when the nurse excuses herself and goes to the bathroom.

·         The nurse orders cushions for Andrea’s bed and chair. They arrive almost immediately. The nurse shows me how to pack Andrea's wounds. This was very difficult for me. Andrea was in a lot of pain! I told Andrea I would call my nurse friends to see if they would volunteer to care for Andrea's wounds. I couldn't do it.

·         Andrea spent the day making phone calls, setting appointments. She speaks with Doctor Fissel, her family doctor. He always made time to talk with her and answer her questions.

·         I make her eggs, she finally eats.

·         She has a hard time preparing her meds. She is having trouble focusing and asks me not to talk to her as she sets out her pills.

·         She gives me very specific directions to Alexa’s school so I can pick her up at 3:00pm.

·         She describes the teacher I need to speak to. Miss Sylvia with the ponytail.

·         She tells me where I’ll find Alexa when I get there.

·         When I get Alexa home she starts to play and watches a Mickey Mouse DVD.

·         She places blocks on the steps and tries to walk on them. Andrea firmly tells her to not do that. Alexa cries. Alexa climbs in her mommy’s lap and asks for an apology. Her mommy tells her that she’s only protecting her and hugs her.

·         I make a snack for Alexa. She relaxes for a bit while watching her video.

·         Andrea still knows where everything is in her bedroom. She tells me where to hang up her sweatshirts. Tells me what blanket she wants (the brown one seemed to work best.)

·         Andrea takes a phone call from Heather (our step-sister). I show Alexa pictures on the computer to keep her quiet while Andrea is on the phone.

·         She points to a picture of herself and Bella (Linda’s daughter) and tells me... "Bella’s my favorite."

·         She looks at pictures of their trip to Disney and her birthday party and points at a picture of her mommy and says “Look this is when mommy could walk!”

·         Alexa asks to go outside and play. Pop (the neighbor) is sitting on his step. So I let her go out and keep checking on her.

·         I straighten up for Andrea, clean, etc.

·         We talk about her eating, I tell her she needs to eat. I try to get her to eat a granola bar and she doesn’t have the energy. She says she’s too tired. She doses off.

·         Chris comes home.

·         He puts his stuff down, sits next to her and just looks at her. I see so much in his face in this moment. So many feelings, emotions. She opens her eyes and asks "why is he looking at me? I just want to sleep" and she starts to cry, then drifts again.

·         He lets her be. I tell her I’m leaving.

·         Chris and I walk outside. I tell him about her day. (he would normally stay with her on a day like this, but since it was me, he went to work).

·         He asks how to access the calendar I made for Andrea’s care network of friends. I say goodbye to Alexa and go.

·         Andrea calls me that night to tell me she ate 2 pieces of pizza for dinner and a brownie for dessert. She was very proud of this accomplishment. She told me it took her a half an hour to dial my number. A number she knew by heart.

Three days later... we lost Andrea. 

I am so grateful for my Thursday with Andrea. I am fortunate that my work schedule changed a month prior, giving me four consecutive days off. For 3 and 1/2 years I worked Wednesdays through Sundays. My four day weekend allowed me to spend my entire weekend with her at the hospital. I hadn't had a four day weekend in over 3 years! I can't help but think that the circumstances surrounding that weekend in September are nothing short of a miracle.

Have you ever had circumstances fall into place in such a way that you can't help but think of it as a blessing? I'm so glad I can say that, "yes, I have."

A Shore Thing: 9/2/12

It's September 2nd. This time 2 years ago Bryon and I were sitting in Kessel's Corner eating breakfast with my sister. The little corner restaurant is walking distance from my sister-in-law's place in Ocean City, NJ. Andrea ordered a huge breakfast that morning... blueberry pancakes, eggs (over easy), bacon and toast. She cleaned her plate that morning. The 3 of us talked about Andrea's phyiscial obstacles... and her goals. Andrea was fully dependent on a wheelchair at this point. She sat across from us telling us that she'd wasted too much time and energy on negative thinking. She wished she had listened to her surgeon in June of 2008 when her told her that she was cancer-free. He told her that he removed all of the cancer from her body when he took her pancreas. She didn't believe him and went on to do systemic chemotherapy. 6 months later... tests revealed spots on her liver. In the summer of 2010, she explored alternative therapies after exhausting all conventional medicine. She told us that she wished she'd gone that route sooner. We enjoyed a nice breakfast that morning. I didn't know it at the time, but this would be the last time I sat in a restaurant with Andrea.

Andrea and I had planned this trip to the shore months before she lost the ability to walk. My sister-in-law was nice enough to let us stay at her Ocean City place for the week. The 3 bedroom shore house suited our families perfectly. Just 3 weeks prior to our shore trip, Andrea was admitted to the hospital for pain. We never anticipated that she would spend 2 weeks there. When she was released 2 days before her birthday, she was determined to make that trip. If Andrea really wanted to meet us down the shore, I had to be upfront with her. I told Andrea that the house had alot of steps leading to the front door (Bryon carried her piggy-back). I told her that she had to make her way up 4 steps to get to the bathroom from the living room (she scooched up on her hiney). I wasn't trying to discourage her, but this adventure would test her physically. Bryon and I had to prepare for her visit. We called all over in search for a beach wheelchair. We purchased a lounge chair big enough to keep her feet out of the sand (she had to go to the beach). Bryon installed a new shower head so Andrea could sit in the shower. We accomplished all of these tasks. We were ready... so was Andrea.

Andrea could not drive, so my mom volunteered to drive my sister's blue Chevy Trailblazer to Ocean City, NJ from Warrington, PA... a huge accomplishment in itself. My mom won't drive on any major highways in her little black Saturn. Andrea was so proud of our mom! They arrived around 11:00am on Wednesday, September 1st. The plan was... go right to the beach. We dressed Alexa in the back of the Trailblazer and went to the beach. Bryon double-parked at 34th Street. My mom and I unloaded the kids, Bryon set-up the umbrella and chairs and trekked back to the car for Andrea. I can still see Bryon pushing Andrea on that wheelchair made of PVC pipe and huge tires. He carried her to her lounge chair, she made herself comfortable and smiled. Here comes my favorite part of that afternoon... Andrea pulls out her Blackberry to update her Facebook status. Bryon looks at her and says... "If you don't put that thing away, I'm gonna throw it in the ocean!!" Andrea responds..."it relaxes me." Bryon retorts..."You're on the beach. What's more relaxing than that!?!" Andrea sulks... "fine!" No more Blackberry after that conversation. On a side note, if you go back to that date on Andrea's Facebook page you can see her status update from the beach.

Andrea watched Alexa play in the ocean for the first time that day. Andrea insisted that Alexa wouldn't go in the ocean, so we didn't put a swim diaper on her. Her diaper was down to her knees after 5 minutes in the water. Alexa didn't mind. She had a blast with everyone!! When it was time for lunch, Bryon said he would run up to Blitz's Deli to grab hoagies. "What do you want, Andrea? How about a hoagie?"  Andrea paused, thinks... "OK. Italian." She ate the entire thing!! Please understand, Andrea drastically changed her diet months prior. In a nutshell... NO BAD STUFF!!. She took a break from that diet for 2 days.

Wednesday evening we ventured up to the boardwalk. This was an eye-opening experience for me. It was challenging to maneuver the wheelchair through the crowds. Andrea nervously sat as people grazed her tender feet, sometimes yelling... "watch out!!" We were hungry... again. So we asked Andrea..."what do you want?" The answer: pizza. Now where do you go for pizza on the OC boardwalk? Mack and Manco's, of course. After "dinner"... rides!! After rides... Kohr Bros. ice cream!! After an exhausting day... bed.

Andrea and Alexa shared a room that night. Andrea's blood sugars were low that night. She'd been a diabetic since her pancreas surgery 2 years prior. As she settled in bed, I brought her orange juice to help elevate her blood sugar. I kept my cell phone by my side all night, just in case she needed me. She texted me first thing in the morning. I went in her room to see her... more orange juice. When I returned with the juice she told me that she'd slept pain-free all night. She was pain-free for the first time in over a month!! I guess you could call it beach therapy.

After breakfast at Kessel's Thursday morning, we took the kids to the playground. Shortly after, Andrea packed up and ventured back home.

I look back on those 2 days and I am amazed!! Amazed at what Andrea accomplished in a total of 26 hours. I never imagined that Andrea would be in hospice 3 weeks later. Never.

Andrea always lived life to the fullest. Always. Cancer or no cancer, she did what she wanted to do.

Lesson learned: Appreciate life every day. Live life to the fullest every day.

Happy Birthday, Andrea! 9/1/12

My sister Andrea would've turned 36 years-old last Saturday. My sister and I always made dinner plans for her birthday. But, the past 2 years we've celebrated her birthday in the cemetery. I don't want this to sound morbid because it wasn't. Alexa refers to Andrea's grave site as "Mommy's special place." And we do our best to make it special. So... a parade of McGinleys, young and old, walk across the street every year from my dad's home to the "special place" to wish Andrea a happy birthday. This year, we brought flameless candles and a big Happy Birthday balloon. Before we had the chance to sing to Andrea, the big balloon came loose from its string and floated up towards the sky. Alexa started jumping up and down with excitement. My 6 year-old son started cheering... "the balloon is going up to Aunt Andrea!!! It's going up to heaven!!!" As the sun broke through the murky sky, we all watched the balloon dissolve into the clouds. We sang to Andrea, then made our way back to dad's for dinner. As we walked down the path, a single yellow butterfly passed us. Maybe on her way to see the gifts we left behind. The candles still glow at Andrea's "special place." A beautiful sight in the evening. A beautiful way to celebrate a beautiful woman.

                                                            Andrea's Birthday 2010

After dinner, I met with some of Andrea's closest friends to celebrate with them. We met at an Italian restaurant this year. The first time the group of us celebrated Andrea's birthday together, she had just returned home from the hospital. It was August of 2010. We met at Andrea's house and ordered take-out from her favorite vegetarian restaurant. She was tired, but talked all night about her 2 week nightmare in the hospital. Of course Andrea's stories don't come without a heavy helping of her sarcastic humor. She could find humor in any situation, even the worst situations. That's how she coped. That's how all of us coped. Now back to dinner last week. All the girls were sitting, chatting, catching up on things. We watched as a waiter brought a birthday desert to a girl sitting at the table beside us. We politely listened as the group sang happy birthday to the girl... "Happy birthday dear ANDREA..." We all looked at each other and my cousin said... "did they just say... Andrea??" Yes, they did. What an amazing sign!!! Our eyes welled up at the thought. What are the chances?? We felt like she was there with us. What a good night. What a great way to end the day!

                                                            Andrea's Birthday Dinner 2011

August has come to an end and we now focus on the anniversary. We lost Andrea to pancreatic cancer on September 26, 2010. Last year, we celebrated Andrea with a butterfly release preceded by a mass in her honor. I'm not sure what we're going to do this year. In fact, I'm looking for feedback on this. The big question is... "What should we do?" I want to do more. I want to honor Andrea's memory by helping others. I know I'm not alone in this. So, on the grander scheme of things... how can we truly honor Andrea? I don't have the answer just yet, but that is my goal.  That is how we can truly honor Andrea's life.

Below are links to a few organizations doing great things. All of the organizations are inspired by loved ones lost. Please take a moment to look and ask yourself... "What can we do?"

Joan's Monarch Wishes

Careys Against Cancer

Kisses for Kyle

Alex's Lemonade Stand

To Infinity... and Beyond: 6/2/12

I dreamed about Danielle last night. It's been a long time since I dreamed about my friend Danielle. I don't do this often, but last night I asked Andrea for guidance before I went to sleep and I dreamed of my friend. Last week, I decided this blog entry would be about Danielle and Andrea. I simply didn't have the time to write it. I think my dream was Andrea's way of telling me to write it.

Why Danielle? Well, 9 years ago my friend Danielle passed away. She had Non Hodgkins Lymphoma. She was 29 years-old. Danielle and I didn't see each other much in the years before she passed. We were childhood friends, we were friends through high school and freshman year of college. Then, I met and started dating my husband and we moved away to Penn State. Danielle and most of my friends from high school stayed local. I didn't keep in touch with my old friends when I was away and we drifted apart in the years to follow. I didn't realize how much I missed my friends from childhood until Danielle died. Her funeral was a reunion of sorts for me. I spent the entire day with my old friends and Danielle's family. I missed out on years of good times with them before Danielle got sick. After the funeral, I dreamed of Danielle all the time. I dreamed we were meeting for dinner at a restaurant and I stood at the hostess station waiting for her arrival. I dreamed that I cared for her while she was sick. I dreamed all the girls were together, but this time I was there too. I believed my dreams were compensation for the years I had missed with a friend I met when I was 5 and she was 4. Danielle vividly remembered our first meeting, I did not. She reminded me of it often... I was a very proud 5 year-old and happy to be the elder of the pair of us.

In the summer of 1983, Danielle moved in across the street. My sister and I bumped into Danielle while roller skating in our Northeast Philly neighborhood one hot afternoon. We noticed that a girl with long, black pigtails was following us in her black and yellow Rallies. Now, we knew that all the cool kids wore red, white and blue Fireball roller skates, but we liked her anyway. It wasn't long before Andrea and I were playing with Danielle everyday. She told us that she, her mom and her brother moved in with her grandmother (affectionately know as Mauny) across the street because her parents were splitting up. The 3 of us spent the next few summers playing together all day long. We spent so many of those days playing board games in Mauny's kitchen. Danielle loved board games!! Monopoly and Clue were our games of choice and she always kicked our butts in Monopoly. According to her little brother... "she cheated like a champ." We went to the movies and talked of the cinema. I vividly remember her review of "Ghostbusters." She filled me in on all the details before I got to see it. Back in the day, we walked everywhere... Carmen's Delicatessen for candy, the Devon Movie Theater, St. Tim's School. We shared so many walks with Danielle, so many memories... We listened to our records (yes, record albums). I loved Michael Jackson!! She loved Prince! This leads me one of our favorite summer activities.... Dance Off!!

Danielle, Andrea and I held dance competitions regularly during our summer vacations. Sometimes in our living room, sometimes in Maun's basement. The "Footloose" soundtrack was a top choice for our dance numbers. Andrea and I choreographed an awesome routine to the title track by Kenny Loggins. We performed it for many family members. "Let's Hear It For the Boy" and "Holding Out For a Hero" were Danielle's faves. Not to mention Toni Basil's "Mickey!" That's when the cheerleading pompoms came out. One time, Andrea and I begged my mom to let Danielle stay over until 9:00pm because of thunder and lightening. You see she'd brought her white Weltron 8 track player for our dance competition and we didn't want her to get electrocuted crossing the street...ahhh the things kids say to get what they want. My mom appeased us.

Danielle was like another sister to me during those years. Maybe we fought, but I don't remember. I do remember that Andrea spent a lot of time with us and I didn't always want Andrea's company when I was 9, 10, 11 years-old. I had my friends and Andrea had hers. But, Danielle was our friend, our dance partner. Danielle and her family eventually moved out of Maun's house, but lived nearby. We continued to go to school together. But, the years we spent together on Lardner Street always hold a special place in my heart.

Shortly after Andrea died, I realized that I'd lost my 2 best friends... my sisters... my dance partners from the summers of my childhood. I am the only one that remains from the summers of "Dance Off." It is 2012, I am 38 years-old and both of them are gone. What a lonely feeling. But, one thing can drive that lonely feeling away... dreams.

I mentioned earlier that I felt my dreams of Danielle compensated for time lost with her. Since Andrea passed, I've had similar dreams. But in my dreams with Andrea, she speaks to me. The dreams are vivid, her words are wise and thought provoking. I now believe that maybe these dreams are more than just dreams. Maybe they're visitations like the one I believed to have with my grandfather. Everyone dreams. Details of dreams often fade as time passes, but the dreams I have of loved ones gone stay with me, never fading.

So, when I spoke to the first medium back in October of 2011, I had questions about several people who've passed. Keep in mind I had no clear messages from Andrea from this medium. This was a 1 on 1 experience, so I had the opportunity to ask her questions. So, I asked about Danielle. The woman asked if Andrea knew Danielle. I said "yes." She said Andrea brought Danielle forward. The medium knew that Danielle died young. She knew that she had an illness. She knew that Danielle and I grew apart over the years, but she said Danielle felt we had a special bond. What a comforting feeling to know that Danielle and Andrea found each other in heaven. I wonder if they're playing board games together. I wonder if they're dancing.

I want to thank my friend Heather for emailing me about my blog. If she didn't, this entry wouldn't exist. I miss all of my old friends dearly and I welcome you anytime.

Please share your feelings, memories and stories with me either on my blog or my email. I've received wonderful, uplifting feedback already. I'd love to hear more!!

I want to leave you with a quote from Rob Reiner's movie "Stand By Me"...

"I never had any friends like the ones I had when I was twelve ... Jesus, does anyone?" ~Stephen King