"I Know What You're Thinking..."

Not long after Andrea died I had  profound dream. In the dream, I was at Andrea's house, but Andrea had already passed. I was babysitting Alexa. My husband Bryon came with me, but he ran out to do some errands. Alexa was sitting on the floor, playing with her toys and watching TV.  I look up and see Andrea coming down the steps. She sits next to me on the couch, her hair is long and damp. She looks like she'd taken a shower. Andrea looks at me and says with confidence and conviction... "I know what you're thinking, but I did this to myself."  I woke up grasping to the images of the dream, trying desperately to hold onto every detail. I thought... "there must be more. She must have said more." I tried very hard not to fill in the holes, just remember the dream as is.

I spent the next few days analyzing the dream. What was she trying to tell me? I had a deep discussion with my sister about 3 weeks before she passed. She had some regrets in her approach to cancer treatment. She wished she had gone the holistic route sooner. She wished she believed her surgeon when he told her he cured her when he removed her pancreas. She felt her anger was poison. I thought this dream was related to that conversation. It could be.

I happened to tell a good friend of mine about the dream. This friend keeps a dream journal and has a dream dictionary. This particular friend is very spiritual, not religious (there is a difference). I asked her what she thought of the dream. She took time to think about it and reached out to me by email. She told me that people who believe in reincarnation believe that we choose our lives before we are born. In each life, we learn things. We choose to live long, live easy, live fast, live reckless, face challenges. I don't expect all of you to believe in this, but just hang with me for a moment. If this is true, Andrea chose this life for herself. She chose the highs and the lows, the good and the bad. I suddenly felt like GRU from Despicable Me... "lightbulb!" Since my friend shared this insight with me, I've felt 100% confident that this is what Andrea meant in my dream. She did choose this life. She always thought she'd die young. From the time she was very small, she was full of life, as well as spit and vinegar. She wasn't happy unless she was doing 10 things at once. And she did all of those things well. This concept brought me peace... for a little while.

A few months later, I found myself at a bereavement center. I decided to see a therapist to talk about my grief and loss of my sister. I was very skeptical before we started sessions, but I loved it. I could unload on him and not feel like I was a burden. I was feeling like a burden to my friends and that was part of my problem. My therapist asked direct, tough questions. I liked that. One day, he asked me if I was angry with God. My answer, absolutely not! I know it's a natural response when dealing with death, but I never felt that way. Like Andrea said... "I did this to myself."

So, today, I was deep in thought when Andrea's best friend called. It was such a nice surprise. We both have experienced a great deal of loss in our lives. And now, 3 years have passed since Andrea died. I know this may sound strange, but although I can't talk to Andrea, or visit, or email or IM... she's always here. She's always with us. It feels like she's moved to a beautiful, remote island with all our loved ones who have passed. There are no phones, no computers and no transportation off the island. If she wants to reach out to us, she sends us butterflies and flowers that grow in her lush garden. She's still here. I do miss her voice, her laugh, her company... but I know she's still here.

And if you don't believe in such things, let's look at it from a logical, somewhat scientific perspective.  A math-loving friend of mine once said to me... "I read Albert Einstein's biography and if he believes that an entity greater than ourselves created our world, I believe it." And another childhood friend who provided the most comforting thought in the wake of Andrea's passing... "Energy never dies, it just changes form."

I hope today's entry provides comfort on this sad anniversary.

In Andrea's Words

As we approach the anniversary of Andrea's passing, I have been thinking about my sister quite a bit. I know, understandable. As I was getting ready for bed tonight I realized, 3 years ago today was my last day with Andrea.  That was the topic of my last blog entry... that was 1 year ago. The majority of my entries on this blog have been from my perspective and I thought about writing an entry on her anniversary. Instead, I want to share Andrea's words. I haven't heard Andrea's voice in almost 3 years. But, rather than share her voice, I want to share her words. Andrea used the Caring Bridge website to share her health updates with her family and friends. Her husband Chris shared her last entry with us while Andrea was in hospice. So here are Andrea's words, the words she intended to publish 3 years ago today (Well, now it's after midnight so yesterday).

Hello,

I realize that it has been quite some time since I have provided an update.  So, I am making an attempt to offer some type of information.  I ask that you bear with me as it is extremely hard for me to focus, stay awake when I type literally anything, and just make sense.  FYI – book: “Crazy, Random Thoughts of Andrea Corey”.  Of course, I would be taking a bit of a twist from the old Saturday Night Live segment: “Deep Thoughts” by Jack Handy. Of course, my book would be based on the crazy things I have said while on a serious amount of pain meds. It would be interesting and quite funny.

Onto other topics, my birthday was wonderful.  Just being home from the hospital was a gift.  Ultimately, spending time with my family and friends was just the best gift. Chris busted his hump to provide me a very nice birthday celebration. And it was just that. 

Coming home has certainly presented many challenges.  We started with Chris carrying me up and 

down the steps and in and out of the shower.  Let’s just say that didn’t last long after Chris’ back could no longer handle it. My physical therapist also felt it was very dangerous.  Since Chris’s back was no longer, I resorted to scooting up the stairs and along the floor on my butt.  That didn’t last very long either.  The carpet padding in our bedroom mine as well be non-existent. It is like sitting on straight plywood – FUN!  My arms and butt hurt so terribly that I had no idea how I was going to make it through another day scooting around. Needless to say, we had to make some changes.  We have now become close to being a medical supply company.  In addition to my wheelchair, walker and lovely commode, we now have a very large shower bench, a beautiful ramp with platform, a stair chair/lift, and a little cart that I use to scoot around our upstairs. I guess the cart, a gardening cart mind you, doesn’t fall into medical cart. It has been a life-saver for me.

As for how I am doing physically, the feet issue is definitely getting better.  I still spend most of my time sitting. However, that does not mean I am “sitting around”. Every day is an adventure and completely unpredictable.  While I will walk with a walker just around the house with the assistance of at least one other person, my mode of movement is a wheelchair.  Because my feet and legs were elevated for so long, anytime my legs are down they swell terribly. Until I am using my legs more regularly, I desperately need to keep my legs up.  Which is also tough, because I am need to try get up and walk at least once a day (ha ha)...

Andrea, you are missed... everyday.