"I Know What You're Thinking..."

Not long after Andrea died I had  profound dream. In the dream, I was at Andrea's house, but Andrea had already passed. I was babysitting Alexa. My husband Bryon came with me, but he ran out to do some errands. Alexa was sitting on the floor, playing with her toys and watching TV.  I look up and see Andrea coming down the steps. She sits next to me on the couch, her hair is long and damp. She looks like she'd taken a shower. Andrea looks at me and says with confidence and conviction... "I know what you're thinking, but I did this to myself."  I woke up grasping to the images of the dream, trying desperately to hold onto every detail. I thought... "there must be more. She must have said more." I tried very hard not to fill in the holes, just remember the dream as is.

I spent the next few days analyzing the dream. What was she trying to tell me? I had a deep discussion with my sister about 3 weeks before she passed. She had some regrets in her approach to cancer treatment. She wished she had gone the holistic route sooner. She wished she believed her surgeon when he told her he cured her when he removed her pancreas. She felt her anger was poison. I thought this dream was related to that conversation. It could be.

I happened to tell a good friend of mine about the dream. This friend keeps a dream journal and has a dream dictionary. This particular friend is very spiritual, not religious (there is a difference). I asked her what she thought of the dream. She took time to think about it and reached out to me by email. She told me that people who believe in reincarnation believe that we choose our lives before we are born. In each life, we learn things. We choose to live long, live easy, live fast, live reckless, face challenges. I don't expect all of you to believe in this, but just hang with me for a moment. If this is true, Andrea chose this life for herself. She chose the highs and the lows, the good and the bad. I suddenly felt like GRU from Despicable Me... "lightbulb!" Since my friend shared this insight with me, I've felt 100% confident that this is what Andrea meant in my dream. She did choose this life. She always thought she'd die young. From the time she was very small, she was full of life, as well as spit and vinegar. She wasn't happy unless she was doing 10 things at once. And she did all of those things well. This concept brought me peace... for a little while.

A few months later, I found myself at a bereavement center. I decided to see a therapist to talk about my grief and loss of my sister. I was very skeptical before we started sessions, but I loved it. I could unload on him and not feel like I was a burden. I was feeling like a burden to my friends and that was part of my problem. My therapist asked direct, tough questions. I liked that. One day, he asked me if I was angry with God. My answer, absolutely not! I know it's a natural response when dealing with death, but I never felt that way. Like Andrea said... "I did this to myself."

So, today, I was deep in thought when Andrea's best friend called. It was such a nice surprise. We both have experienced a great deal of loss in our lives. And now, 3 years have passed since Andrea died. I know this may sound strange, but although I can't talk to Andrea, or visit, or email or IM... she's always here. She's always with us. It feels like she's moved to a beautiful, remote island with all our loved ones who have passed. There are no phones, no computers and no transportation off the island. If she wants to reach out to us, she sends us butterflies and flowers that grow in her lush garden. She's still here. I do miss her voice, her laugh, her company... but I know she's still here.

And if you don't believe in such things, let's look at it from a logical, somewhat scientific perspective.  A math-loving friend of mine once said to me... "I read Albert Einstein's biography and if he believes that an entity greater than ourselves created our world, I believe it." And another childhood friend who provided the most comforting thought in the wake of Andrea's passing... "Energy never dies, it just changes form."

I hope today's entry provides comfort on this sad anniversary.