Intuition and Living: 5/4/12

My sister never told me that she had a feeling that she would die young. She shared this with her husband and a few close friends dating back to her college years. She obviously felt very strong about this because she shared this with several people. I found out about her "feeling" a year after she passed. This got me thinking about the idea of intuition. I've had strong feelings about things. I've gotten good vibes or bad vibes about a person, circumstance or event on the horizon, but not to the extent Andrea had. Was she onto something?

I looked up the definition of intuition online and this is what I read...  direct perception of truth, fact, etc., independent of any reasoning process. Hmmm... truth independent of any reasoning process. Maybe this is why Andrea lived the way she did. She was ALWAYS on-the-go. To say she had a very healthy social life would be an understatement. If she wasn't constantly on-the-go she was unpleasant to be around. As a kid she wanted constant entertainment... by me or my brother. She often told me I was boring because I spent alot of time watching TV and TV alone was never enough to hold her interest. Shortly after her college graduation, she was spreading herself pretty thin... 2 jobs, cheerleading coach, softball and soccer player... the list goes on. She would often call me to complain about how tired she was or that she was "sooooo stressed! What do I do?" I would respond with very wise, big sister advice... "Andrea, why don't you quit something?" The answer was always "No! I can't quit! This is too important!! They NEED ME!" She would eventually settle down and cope with her crazed life. Just the thought of her busy life exhausted me!! 

So, when Andrea was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 4 years ago her life never slowed down. 3 weeks after her news she held a big party for her daughter's 1st birthday. She traveled to get 2nd and 3rd opinions on her health options... several times. She traveled for pleasure... to the Bahamas, Disney World, the Outer Banks. She returned to work, she went to treatments and like I said in my first post, she never missed a party or wedding. She was never too sick or too tired for a party thrown by family or friends. I look back now, a year and a half after her death, amazed at all she did during her illness. She did more living while sick than most people do healthy. And that's the truth. 

Knowing my sister, I was scared for her when I read the words below in her online journal:

"... The HARDEST realization, apparently I am not super woman.  I know this may come as a shock to you. :-)  Yes, I have liked to believe through all of this that I could “do it all”.  I liked to think that I could be a cancer patient, spend time on my healing, stay home with Alexa, take care of the house, have a good social life, etc.  What I realized is that I am not doing any of them at the degree I would like to.  What I am also realizing is that I do need MORE help.  I have never been good at accepting help or even asking for it.  But, this is something I also need to be better at.  A lot of things are suffering and, of all of them, I am the most.  I am at a point where I REALLY need to focus on me and on being well.  I can’t do this under the current circumstances.  I don’t have the solution, so I’m hoping it presents itself." 7/9/10

Andrea was asking for help for the 1st time in her life. Andrea wrote this entry 2 months before she passed. When I read this, I immediately called and said "what are you doing this weekend? Do you want me to come over?" Her response... "I'm going to a couple parties this weekend. I won't really be home." Even in her most desperate moments, she wouldn't stop living her life. 

I am 100% positive that Andrea had no regrets while laying in her hospital bed 2 months later. Her last day was her last big party. Her room was overflowing with her closest family and friends. It was her last big social event. And those of us who were there feel lucky to have shared that time with her.

Intuition was her guide through her life. She lived life to the fullest... from her first days to her last. And I can't help but think of Tim McGraw's song "Live Like You Were Dying" when I think of Andrea.